Saturday, March 31, 2012

30 is when life really begins!

Back on June 15th 2011, I turned 30. My life in a weird way changed. I can't explain how it happened or why, but it did. I started to analyze everything in life. I started to think deeper and work on what REALLY needed changing....ME! I have depression and very low self esteem. It can be difficult to go through life and socialize with others. I always was looking for other's approval. If I made someone happy, I was happy (for that moment). I wanted to be happy all the time. I wanted to teach my kids to be happy, successful, and hold their head high. But how could I when I at 30 years old couldn't even do that. So I started, what I call...soul searching. I started to look for things that made me happy all the time vs. things that gave me a short happiness.
I had to let go, was the first part. BTW: Still working on this part. I have to let go of all the things in the past that hurt me. And also the things that currently brought me down. I deleted photos, phone numbers, people, things from my life that kept holding me back. If someone on Facebook trash talked me, I unfriended them. Some would say that's childish, but to me, I had no time for people like that or a place in my life for them.
Secondly I had to say No! That is really hard, especially when you knowing it's going to piss off someone else. But ya know what? If saying no, meant I would be happier, it had to be done. So many years I have been trying to make others happy, that now I needed to make myself happy.
And lastly, I had to find all the positives in my life. This can be tricky for those with depression. It's like wearing a blindfold. But they are there, you just gotta keep searching.

I found my health is a huge blessing, and the health of my family. Ever see someone die? I have! That will make you appreciate your health and your ability to live real quick.
My "take for granted" blessings: hot water, any food I want, anytime, money in the bank, a car, a house, etc. Seen someone homeless? Been to a 3rd world country? We live in paradise compared to them, and we don't even know it.
I have a husband who I can tell anything to and he still stands behind me and loves me and helps me out every single day. I couldn't ask for anyone better.
My children. After losing a baby at 6 weeks pregnant, I now know how precious their lives are to me.

So yeah I may have "bad" days or just a rough moment, a bump in the road, but when you stand back and look at it. It's not really that "bad" after all.
I'm still working on making ME happy. As a mother and a wife it's hard, I still want everyone else around me happy, but there's only one ME, and I have to take care of her 1st.


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