Thursday, March 17, 2011
Lately I have been experiencing depression on a whole new level.
Ever since I was 13, I started to get angry alot. Mostly angry with myself. How I felt about myself and how people saw me, were two different things. Then I started to put myself down. I just figured that other people saw me more clearly than I did myself. Then when I was 16, I started to have anxiety attacks, so bad I didn't leave the house for a while. I think I have been on every antidepressant out there. At one point, they wanted to put me on a beta blocker. We tried it all. I am now 29 and still suffer from the depression and an occassional anxiety attack.
But this pregnancy (especially) the 3rd trimester has really hit me hard. I cry at everything, my moods are up and down. I just don't even feel like myself. My self esteem has plummeted to a record breaking low, even for me. I just am so uncomfortable, sore, moody, disgusted. I told my OB, that I HATED pregnancy, literally HATED it. So glad when she told me, this was not the first time she has heard that from patients. So...I am not the only one. Part of my problem is my height...I am only 4'11", and you add an extra 20-30 lbs, thats like adding 50-60lbs to someone taller. Can you even imagine how uncomfortable I am? I am not gonna go into the complaints, just know....I have a list.
So I tried to see a counselor, to get my anger, frustration, depression out...and they give me an appt, a MONTH away...seriously? Thank God, I am not suicidal. Geez! We are thinking of trying to get a sooner appt or going somewhere else. I mean I need to talk to someone before the baby comes.
Anyway, for the time being...I just don't wanna talk about pregnancy or babies. I wanna feel normal, and for the past 31 weeks...that is all that has been on my mind. Unfortunelty...the belly is there to stay, but I can take my mind elsewhere...and I think thats what I need to do.
at 8:45 AM